Stealing their Thunder

My sources at the Washington Post (who must remain anonymous) have told me that the paper is going to run three more stories about Mitt Romney's early life in the next month. Each will be more sensational than those that came earlier. Here is the scoop on what is to come:

1) Next week, the WaPo is running a 1000 word piece on page on that will disclose that as a child, Romney had a vile temper. Revelations include eyewitness testimony that Romney once called his father a "poopyhead". Witnesses told the Post that after that outburst, Romney's father was so shaken that he never was able to accomplish anything in his life (except working his way up to be chairman of an auto company and then governor of Michigan--but that hardly counts for anything.)

2) In two weeks, the WaPo is running an expose about how the young Mitt assaulted women. It may be the early start of the War on Women. The central event uncovered by the WaPo is the time that a six-month old Mitt Romney peed on his mother as she was changing his diaper. Witnesses told the Post that Romney's mother was scarred for life.

3) The worst blow to Romney will come in just under a month when the WaPo discloses Mitt's history as someone who does not care about healthcare for other people. Here the main disclosure cover the time when Mitt was seven and was told that his mother was taking his brother to the doctor and he had to go along. Mitt is quoted by an eyewitness as shouting "I don't want to go!"

This will be quite some barrage by the WaPo, but there is more in store. The paper also has built up an arsenal of embarrassing stories about potential GOP vice presidential candidates. For example, the WaPo has a picture of Paul Ryan at age 15 with long hair. They also have a witness who swears that at age 8 Marco Rubio took two handfuls of Halloween candy from a basket rather than the socially acceptable one handful. The best attack, however, has been saved for Chris Christie. If he is the nominee, the WaPo intends to reveal that Christie was overweight in high school.

In the face of all of this, one has to wonder just how Romney could ever win. Oh wait, I forgot about the terrible economy, Obama's inability to do anything that makes things better, Obama's actual deeds which made things worse, Obama's feckless foreign policy, Obamacare, Dodd-Frank, and that old favorite 5 trillion dollars of new debt.